Promises, Promises

uh-oh. it's time to ponder resolutions again. i loathe this time of year. i always feel like i want to jump off a really steep embankment. i wouldn't die though. i'd probably just twist my head around just so and be forced to stare at my ass for the rest of my life.

Listed in no particular order are all the promises I'll be breaking in 2006:

1. Exercise more

2. Eat better--that's not eat more, that's eat better

3. Submit something, anything, hell, even my name to a damned publisher.

4. Be kinder, i.e. more of a doormat than I already am.

5. Pay off my debts. Just in case that aforementioned mode of death starts looking good.

6. Stick to a daily schedule. Get up at a decent hour and look alive. Queen of the zombies doesn't count.

7. Get in touch with my feminine side. While I am a female, I feel like an impostor most of the time.

8. Keep better house. Seek domestic goddess status instead of poster child for the deadly sin of sloth.

9. Reach out and touch someone. Or someone(s). Make some damn friends.

10. Spread the love. Grow roots. Have a litter. Breed. Multiply. Populate the planet. Save the population.

11. Strive to love myself and accept that I am a total loser weirdo freak nut with a heart of gold.

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves

1. Rude bitches in SUVs—flip and die going around a sharp curve, you cum-gurgling whores
2. Humidity—I always look like Janis Joplin—after cremation
3. Everything my OCD grandfather does—drums fingers, flicks the seam on his blue jeans, starts and ends every sentence with the same phrase or choice words, breathes. Just kidding…
4. Being teased too much
5. Old men with infant children—hi, daddy-grand-dad
6. Grody laundry mats—do I really want to wear this now that it’s been in there?
7. Loud bassing cars with crap systems—that sounds so good
8. Maudlin women—can’t explain this, just know em when I see em
9. Shitty horror movies with no-talent ass clowns
10. Big budget movies written by no-talent ass clowns
11. Pedestrians that don’t wave, nod or make eye contact when you let them pass and don’t mow them down and snicker when their entrails and major organs dingle-dangle behind you like cans on the bumper of a newlywed car
12. Bad hair days—hell, months, years
13. Insomnia—what day is it?
14. Loud music in stores—to hell with your merchandise, can I buy a frickin’ thought?
15. Yapping dogs—shut up, you little shitters
16. Dogs owners who think their dogs don’t need a leash—you are not She-Ra of the forest
17. Dog owners without leashes
18. Fair-weather fathers—is it Christmas again, already?
19. Step-mothers who think they’re your new mother—what happened to my real one, bitch? (oh yeah, she smoked your husband’s ass)
20. Oil spills—mud baths for defenseless animals?
21. Criminally stupid, twerpy, make-all-Texans-look-bad presidents who think everything they do is a direct order from a God they were told to believe in for more votes
22. Wimpy Democrats who fear George Bush
23. Camera batteries that die on Christmas Eve—die, die, die!
24. Abdominal fat—fuck you!
25. Texas summers—just nuke me and get it over with
26. Men ruled by their dicks
27. Women ruled by their tits—don’t ask me why it isn’t clits
28. The fragility of the human body
29. Dirt in my eyes
30. The price of health insurance
31. That moment in the day when your brain feels like a stale piece of bread
32. That moment in the day when your brain feels like it’s one beep away from braindead
33. The way you feel at dusk everyday—thick, sad, and used up
34. My husband’s crappy office chair that pops and causes it to fall back in the dead quiet and scare the shit out me
35. Questions when I first wake up—I don’t even know who you are and you want to know what my plumber’s name is?
36. A sweat-drenched bra--yuck
37. Heat rash—and knowing you have to put your clothes back on
38. Having to change my underwear in the middle of the day because they’re soaked with sweat
39. Folding fitted sheets—God, if you can hear me, just go ahead and crucify me
40. People without humor
41. People without empathy
42. People without imagination
43. Repeating your words after you say them and not meaning to—told you, I was certifiable
44. Cleaning Venetian blinds
45. Bear hunters—put down the gun and let’s see
46. Men who shoot wolves from helicopters—yeah, that’s some sport
47. Guys who rev their engines to make up for their dick size—it’s not working
48. Rednecks who talk like they’ve had a mild stroke
49. People who shuffle their feet—if you’re that tired, stay home
50. People who scream for someone in the next state
51. Being ugly
52. Me

Post Christmas Eve

Aaahhhhhhh.

The collective sigh of relief in my neck of the woods for the sign that half of the tizzy we call Christmas is over and done for another three hundred and sixty five some odd days. All I can say is--Thank you, magic Jesus. (Nod to the Squidbillies)

I spent the entire week and more to the point, the entire day getting my family ready for Christmas Eve. We got together and nibbled from a buffet of sausage balls, cheese dip, chocolate chip cookies, cherry winks and other gut-busting goodies, washing it all down with punch.

Then the moment we were all waiting for--prezzie time aka when we all sit down and find out what we got each other. I got the latest Richard Laymon, clothes, enough candy to put myself in a year long coma and another Living Dead Doll (among other things), so I'm content. All drama and tragedy aside, we did all right. Despite the future's grim outlook, we all got some nice things.

Now we focus on paying for it.

But the fun is only half over. Tomorrow is the family Christmas feast of ham, potatoes, sweet and plain, macaroni salad, green bean casserole, deviled eggs, Hawaiian bread and goodness knows what else.

Half down, half to go.

Hope you all make out like bandits tonight or tomorrow morning, whichever is your family tradition.

Peace.

Diving In

Deep breath. Diving into the ocean that is fifty thousand again. This time a new story, a new character, a new challenge. I'm four thousand words strong with the shore at my back and no sight of the paradise island called Completion...yet.