Honesty

There are many pet causes and personal wars in which I gladly volunteer to fight, but depression, The Big D, The Big Black, The Black Dog, is one that is close to my heart. Unfortunately. It's sort of like that mole that the doctor says would hurt more to remove than leave there. Only he doesn't mention that leaving it there makes you want to jump off a cliff. Now that's what I call a win-win situation, right there.

My point? Depression has robbed me of so much. No scratch that. So freakin' much. The list is too long and sordid to go into but suffice to say, I shall never win the war, but I do occasionally kick depression's ass in a battle. But in recent weeks, it has been it's turn to reciprocate the steel-toed boot in my ass. And boy does that sonofabitch hurt. It has tried its damnedest to take away my peace of mind, my joy, my accomplishments, my sense of self. Well, today, munitions, supplies and backup managed to punch through and aid me when I needed it most. Music, physical activity and connection with my critique partner. They helped me.

Depression, Mr. D, may have me in his clutches again. As a matter of fact, it is inevitable. But not today. Today, I was a feather's width ahead of him. Today, I danced circles around him. Today my smile blinded his black eyes.

Today--is mine.

So, in the spirit of things, here's a video of a performer singing a song that fits the theme of this post. I could be phony and just post when things are happy and shiny but that's not me. Good, bad, ugly--that's honesty.

Tired and Moody

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm not exactly depressed but I feel moody and tired. I feel groggy like I can't get woke up.

I'm being torn in two different directions creatively and am starting to feel both story ideas SUCK. So I don't know which one to work on.

I've got a deadline here people and I think my Muse is on vacation!

Grrr...

Writing Blahs

There must be something in the air. Everyone's bummed about one thing or another and I don't want to write. I have been doing a lot of organizing and transcribing notes onto disk, but very little real writing.

Rain continues to be a long-forgotten phenonema of the past. I water and shake my head. I get wetter with sweat than the brown grass does with water.

This has been one helluva summer.

And down here in Texas it ain't over yet.

To think there are people somewhere north of me buying wool sweaters.

Insane

Friday the 13th lived up to its name this year. It was horrible. I won't go into specifics except to say that Jason and his machete would have felt right at home in my life.

For a little more reality, my dearest heart goes by the name Jason. And his world, therefore mine, is in a bit of upheaval as of this day. On the eve of a milestone birthday he makes a career move leaving so much of our future up in the air. I'm right there beside him, trying to catch the plates as they come crashing down. We don't say it aloud, but we know one of those plates will fall sooner or later.

The only good thing to come of the 13th was the very pitiful fact that I managed to read over and edit my second act of Blade Dancer. It needs serious work. I am tempted to backspace over that last sentence. It's not that the details are in need of work, but the overall direction of the thing is questionable. And with all the personal stress in my life right now, thinking creatively is extremely challenging.

But the need to purge doesn't let up. I have to find a way to exorcise this damned thing, one way or another. It's either that or go insane...oh, I almost forgot. Already there.

Velveeta Days

A Golden Girl once spoke of a day so bad she wanted to eat Velveeta right out of the box.

Monday was one of those days. It was only appropriate that it was a Monday. I've should have known something was wrong when the shit started on Sunday night.

I won't go into that except to say that when I lay down, I had to get back up and after that was too mad to sleep until well into Monday morning. But I got up at my regular time and stumbled pathetically through the day. I spilled a Coke, re-injured my finger, newly injured another finger, the corner of my towel fell into water twice, various miscellania fell into the floor, I dropped stuff, people called me and when I called them back they weren't there, I fretted over the special ingredients of a recipe only to find I didn't have the basic ingredients, I argued with stupid people, I griped, and cussed under my breath.

Let's hope Tuesday is a little better.

April's Fool

If anyone ever reads this blog they'll see that one blog equals one month. I had a serious drought of creativity there for a while. I started a blog and just let it sort of sit there and grow green stuff all over it. Heh. That's sort of funny considering the color scheme of my little blog was green for a while.

I've had a lot on my plate this month. I've battled depression, insomnia, weight problems, creativity droughts, family discord, you name it. At least I had some kick-ass chocolate to console me--courtesy of the large basket-toting rabbit of Easter. (AKA M-o-m.)

At the moment I'm rather peeved at myself for not having something to submit for a writing contest that would be a great opportunity to check my skills and development. I don't have 35K words just sitting in a drawer ready to go. If that were true, they'd already be submitted. All it's going to do is distract me from my work. I feel shitty as it is.

Gggggrrrrrrrr. Time to bite the ears off yet another chocolate bunny.